Breaks

I know I haven't posted in a while but things have had there ups and downs. Moved out to NC over a year ago to work with IBM. Got here right out of school. It's pretty good so far but I'm not where I want to be for the rest of my life, at least position wise. I'm looking for ways to move in that direction but I haven't totally thought of a way to do that, but I'm working on it.

I also found a girlfriend, which was no small miracle because I don't really go out and don't really know anyone around here. She's great.

However there is trouble in paradise. And it's mostly my fault.

I smother her, don't let her be her own person, always ask her to make the decisions, I'm terrible in bed. So after nearly 6 months we are on a "break". To me a break is the first step towards breakup(hey it's even part of the word!). It's really fine, her points are valid. I am horrible in bed, I do smother her, etc. I'm not a good boyfriend, but can I really be blamed if it's only my second relationship?

Sure I can, I should know better. I should know to make some of the decisions. I should know to not always do things for her. I should know to let her have her privacy. I know I should try to be better in bed(which I've been actively trying to do). I guess it just took a jolt to actually try and change these things. I'm going to be different in these respects, that's my goal with this... even if we don't end up together.

I learned another thing about myself: I don't really have emotion. I feel anger and happiness. That's about all. I don't feel sadness for the most part(it takes A LOT). I don't usually feel remorse. Not even love! The only extremes I ever feel are anger and happiness. Don't ask me why, I just don't feel many other emotions. Am I just even keeled? Do I just not express them but really feel them? One example is right now, I'm angry instead of sad about being on a break. Why you ask? Because I'm angry with myself, not her. I brought this on myself. I can calm myself and block the emotions, but they are still there just covered up, such as right now. I'm sitting at work and have covered up what I really feel.

I suppose I'm just a strange person, which I've always said. But then again, aren't we all strange in our own right?

I just wanted to make her happy... and by doing so I pushed her away