Breaks

I know I haven't posted in a while but things have had there ups and downs. Moved out to NC over a year ago to work with IBM. Got here right out of school. It's pretty good so far but I'm not where I want to be for the rest of my life, at least position wise. I'm looking for ways to move in that direction but I haven't totally thought of a way to do that, but I'm working on it.

I also found a girlfriend, which was no small miracle because I don't really go out and don't really know anyone around here. She's great.

However there is trouble in paradise. And it's mostly my fault.

I smother her, don't let her be her own person, always ask her to make the decisions, I'm terrible in bed. So after nearly 6 months we are on a "break". To me a break is the first step towards breakup(hey it's even part of the word!). It's really fine, her points are valid. I am horrible in bed, I do smother her, etc. I'm not a good boyfriend, but can I really be blamed if it's only my second relationship?

Sure I can, I should know better. I should know to make some of the decisions. I should know to not always do things for her. I should know to let her have her privacy. I know I should try to be better in bed(which I've been actively trying to do). I guess it just took a jolt to actually try and change these things. I'm going to be different in these respects, that's my goal with this... even if we don't end up together.

I learned another thing about myself: I don't really have emotion. I feel anger and happiness. That's about all. I don't feel sadness for the most part(it takes A LOT). I don't usually feel remorse. Not even love! The only extremes I ever feel are anger and happiness. Don't ask me why, I just don't feel many other emotions. Am I just even keeled? Do I just not express them but really feel them? One example is right now, I'm angry instead of sad about being on a break. Why you ask? Because I'm angry with myself, not her. I brought this on myself. I can calm myself and block the emotions, but they are still there just covered up, such as right now. I'm sitting at work and have covered up what I really feel.

I suppose I'm just a strange person, which I've always said. But then again, aren't we all strange in our own right?

I just wanted to make her happy... and by doing so I pushed her away

Revealing Things.....

So recently I have been talking less and less to the people from back at home... mainly my ex girlfriend. I am not the reason for this, she is. Read further to understand more:

A few weeks ago I went on vacation from school on my three week break. I went to my grandparents for a little R&R after a long quarter. So one weekend my ex calls me on the phone and I was there to answer. By the time I get the call it is late at night there, as she is two hours ahead of me, so I said I would call her the next day. Well next day rolls around and I shoot her a call. She answers and says she will call me back in five minutes or so. Well 15 minutes rolls around then 40 and so on until the end of the night. By about 45 minutes later I just stopped being by the phone and went to do something else. Well two weeks later she still hasn't called me..... I decide to give her a call to see how she was doing, who knows maybe she got hurt or something happened? I call her cell and I get the lovely message saying that this number is no longer in service. Needless to say I was angry as I was told we were friends and what not.

What a friend right?

I decide to call again to make sure I had the right number and sure enough it was disconnected. A day later I call her house and leave her a message.

A week goes by... followed by another one.

At this point I am angry and not really caring because it is her loss not mine. One day I get a call in the middle of the day, which I did not know about as my phone is in my bag while I am at school, and sure enough it was her. She calls all happy sand saying how we haven't talked in a while and that she called because she thought of me from a recent Weird Al song. Needless to say I didn't call her right back, but it was the thought that counted for her to actually call me.

It's about a week later now and I still hadn't called her back. I get another message on my phone, this time in a down trodden voice saying she needed some help with her computer and I was the only one she could call. I'm sort of her techxpert if you will. This came in the middle of class so I never called her.

Today I received another call from her saying how we both know she is a terrible person and what not... well her real reason to call me was to get some computer help.

Now I see what I really am... I am not a friend but basically an object. I listen to her and help her when she needs it but I never get any of it back. This just goes to show I am a nice guy and nice people always get the shaft. My payment is a call when she needs something. I didn't realize this before but I do now.

Maybe I will call her back tomorrow to see what she wanted.. who knows? I was busy tonight otherwise I would have tonight. I would like to keep in touch but I am no longer going to put forth an exorbitant amount of effort into staying in touch.

If she doesn't want to talk to me anymore she should just say it and not pretend to be my friend...

The downfall of the human race

I have come to the conclusion that people are dumb, neurotic animals. I am always told that homo sapeins were the most intelligent animals on this planet. Well whoever said that doesn't live in this day and age. I have seen more than my share of moronic things in my life, and I haven't lived a very long life.

Let me give you one example:

I was in my freshmen year in high school and we all had to take a health class. The health class was the compliment to a gym class that we had to take at the beginning of the year. In this health class we were talking about healthy foods, and in particular Irish foods came up. Many things came up that you would expect; Irish Soda Bread, Cornbeef and Cabbage, etc. One kid in particular raised his hand, and with his usual idiotic smirk, said, and I quote, "Are Lucky Charms Irish?" Everyone laughed at his moronic question, but he was serious. While everyone was laughing he said: "what there is a lerechaun on the box." He was dead serious with this question! After I realized that and continued to laugh I died a little inside.

I have many more examples of stupidity and maybe I will save you from dying inside a little more. Being told that we are the future of this country is a sad thing to me, because when I look at the people who are in school these days I see a bunch of fools who play into the hand of large conglomerates. Very rarely do I see people who fit what I would call the future of this world.

I have decided not to spare you, so here is another example:
My friend is dating someone who is completely clueless about almost everything, though she tells me he is very intelligent. This male smokes weed, and she doesn't approve but he does it anyway. The other day he went on a run to buy some mary jane to smoke with some of his friends. Mind you he has no money so he has to borrow some from someone. He gets there and the kid is waiting for them. They make the hand off, the boyfriend and his friends leave, and they are happy. Well they go to smoke the weed and my friend doesn't hear from him for a while. When she finally does get a hold of him he is angry about the weed he smoked, said it wasn't good. My friend comes to find out that her boyfriend had literally bought grass. I'm not talking weed, I am talking Kentucy Blue.... You would think he would check it or something like that. Someone who smokes weed all the time should know there is a difference in the texture, or at least think to look before buying.

From the two above examples we have more than enough evidence to show that people are in fact growing dumber. Every generation is a bit dumber than the last, with only a few standing out for their intelligence. Those who do stand out because they are intelligent are shunned for their intelligence by their peers. In their desperate attempt to be accepted they try to conform to what the other kids put forth as a "norm." I went through this and I tried to be accepted but I never was for many years, so I just didn't try anymore and was myself. It worked out in the end because I am in a good university and am going to end up their bosses; I'm not being cocky, most of them are going no where fast. I can't wait for that day to be honest...."yes you remember me? The one you ridiculed in school all the time? Well guess what! I'm your boss now!"It will be a glorious day because then they will realize that they should have been nice to me.

Not only are they stupid but they have the inherent ability to think they are better than other people. I have done this on occassion, even in this very post. But I am not talking about someone like me, I am talking about people like my friends. Not all of my friends are like this, just a select few. It's like they need to make a point to show they are "better" than everyone around them. Whenever someone makes a stupid comment they make a point to say something in response that would be derogatory, putting you down. Now they don't always do this, only if they are in a group. It's like they feel the need to validate why they are there by criticising what other people say. If you go back and do it to them they just brush it off and say something along the lines of: "good one, tell it again sometime." This just shoots you down big time. I just stop talking when they do that and try to avoid saying anything for a while. There is only one "friend" that really does it a lot and it gets on my nerves sometimes.

For example: The other day I was minding my own business and listening in to what they were saying while I was playing World of Warcraft or something like that. Every once in a while I would make a comment or say something to them. Well someone made a comment and the one friend in question started going off on him. Not in anger but with his inane berating of the guy. The other one just shut up and looked while he went on. I wanted to sock him in the mouth.

People like this make me so angry it isn't even funny. I think it is time for people to shape up and treat other people like they would like to be treated. It's too bad the majority of people don't do this as I usually do. I'm a generally nice person and what do I get back in return? Not a damn thing. I'm nice to people and I seem to always be the one with the least amount of friends in the group, and most of them really aren't that good of friends. Maybe this is why I have become hard to the outside world and don't really like the company of other people. Oh well another quality person will just go unheard in the world....

Tune in next time for another exciting post!

Note: I kind of finished this late so I don't really remember what I was going to say =P Hope you all enjoy it anyway

It's that time of the year again....

Maybe I am just thick headed or something, but does anyone see any significance to Valentines Day in this world? It is an over done "holiday" that should not be labled as a holiday. All Valentines Day is, is a time of the year when everyone feels obligated to be nice to the ones they love. They will buy chocolates and flowers for the girls they love/like and perform acts of "love" by doing something romantic for that person.

God I hate this "holday" and I always have.

Maybe my contempt for it stems from all the years in grade school. Remember when you had to get everyone a Valentines in the class so no one would feel left out. Yeah well I would still get people comeing around saying this doesn't mean anything to me..... Wow way to go, raise my self esteem a little more why don't you. Maybe next time you could just kill me while you stand there instead of killing me a little more inside. I think after the second time this happened is when I decided that I would go on my own and I don't need other people.

Another thing that gets to me on Valentines Day is that I am usually alone. Only the past three years I had someone, and now I have no one again. Great, a time when you are supposed to be with someone and love them I have no one. And how many are going to wish me a happy Valentine's Day on their own volition? Maybe only a few people will. The best way to make someone hate something is to show what it is supposed to be like, and then not give it to them.

One final thing that doesn't make much sense to me is something my ex has always said: why should there just be one day where you treat your significant other with lots of love? You should not be showing your love on one day of the year but everyday. That kind of kills me that one has to be loved on one specific day of the year and will no longer show it the rest of the year. Being Romantic is another thing, you should be romantic on a regular basis and not one day of the year. I am guilty of this one and I plan on changing that, but it won't matter if I do or not because I won't be getting anyone until the end of days.

You may think I am a hyppocrit and that I enjoy Valentine's Day when I am dating someone, or have anyone at all. If you think that then you are dead wrong. I don't like it either way, having someone just makes it more bearable because I know I have someone. I will do something for the other person so that they don't feel I forgot about them or anything like that, but I try, or will try, to do things all the time that are romantic as one might call them.

In closing I hope they change what Valentine's Day is about, and that Whiteman's and Hallmark don't capitalize on this "holiday." That is another thing that makes me angry but I will not going into that now.

Au'revior for now.

An Old Relationship

I know not many will read this but it is nice to write things down sometimes.

About 7 months ag o my girl friend and I broke up. I had moved half way across the country for college and she had stayed behind on the East coast. Things were pretty god until I moved. Then, about a month after I left, she decieded we should go on a break. Well that break lasted about a week or so before she called me up and said it was over for good. During out little break she had come to the revalation that I was a terrible boy friend and she didn't want to deal with it anymore. Well I didn't realize I was doing some of the stuff she said, we won't get into that now though.

I did work on the things she told me to work on during our two year relationship. I tried my best to be the best I could be to her. I know sometimes I wasn't the best to her but I tried to make amends, I tried to be everything for her. Maybe that was wrong of me, maybe I should have quit while I was ahead and left her before. Who knows what would have happened if I had.

I loved her with all of my heart, and then I threw it away. She said I never showed her that I loved her, or I barely did. She said I didn't seem into the sex we had. I alway was...... I always wanted to be with her and I always loved her. There was never a time in my heart when I did not love her. But to her I was cold and didn't show my love almost all the time.

Now the sex is another story. I never could make her cum with me inside of her. Only my hand could make her cum, and that was after I figured out the correct way of doing it to her. Mind you were having sex for about a year and in that time I never once made her cum unless it was with my hand. After we broke up she slept with someone else and said it was better than almost everytime we had done it. She explained to me what they did to make her cum and why it was so amazing. That angered me off beyond belief. You have the gaul to tell me about the time you two had sex and tell me how much better he was than me, and only a few days before tell me that I wasn't all that great? I never once showed her that I was mad, mainly because we are talking on the phone. She always regretted doing it because it was a one night stand and she had lost a potential friend. Now she just complains about not having enough sex, because she doesn't get any at all. I always tell her I know how she feels in the no sex department and she thinks I don't, though I think I did convince her that I did.

After we broke up I did a lot of reflection. She told me about these guys she had been talking to for a while and had been friends with. Thinking about her loving other guys when she had said it led me to believe that her heart was never fully with me when we were together. This didn't make me too happy but I didn't think too much about it because it was over and done with. Our relationship was pretty good overall, I mean it wasn't the best thing ever but who's relationship isn't? We thought we would be together forever. She was the one I wanted to marry, and she wanted to marry me. But my stupidity and not changing was why she ended up leaving me.

She tried to tell me that after she left me I didn't fight for her. But I did, she just didn't see it obviously. She said the same thing when I told me; that she didn't know. I also told her that I stopped trying to win her back when she told me that she didn't love me like that anymore and didn't ever want to be with me again. What can you do at the point when the person you love doesn't want to be with you and doesn't love you anymore? You just give up. You can't force someone to love you or want to be with you, that just isn't the way. Some may say chivalry is dead but I try and keep it alive, if only a little bit.

Recently she has been all about this guy who lives close to me. I have no problem with this, I am over us and I am happy that she found someone else. What I am angry about is how she handles her relationship with him, and it is not even that it is the fundamentals that changed from me to him. Let me get this through to everyone, she is falling in love with this guy. Falling in love and has basically forgotten about our love. When we were together she always said that she would never move from home and would always want to be close to her family if she moved out of the house. That whole idea was at ends with mine because I had recently moved away from everything I knew and I wanted to travel in my lifetime to everywhere possible. She didn't like that and said I would have to settle down sometime after they got married. I wasn't sure about that because I don't want to stay in one place with my kids, I want them to experience everything. Now she is saying that she wants to move away from home to the complete other side of the country! She is saying this becuase she wants this new guy to come with her, even though they aren't together, and now that he mentioned going to it she is really considering it. She was also talking about a long distance relationship with him! She never would have considered that with me, nor would she have moved away from home for a long period of time. She even had tha gaul to ask me if I was angry about it..... no no I wasn't.... Of course I am! You leave me and then change your mind so swiftly, of course that isn't going to make me angry. Not only angry but rub in the fact that I was terrible in bed. Yeah because that is a real spirit raiser.

She thinks I don't read her blogs, but I do. What she never told me, or said differently, she said in some of her blog posts. According to her she was never in true love with anyone... I was under the impression that her and I were in true love. She says that we are friends then she goes and says things that make it all the more difficult to believe. Sometimes I wonder if our whole relationship was pointless. There are many responses I have to some of her comments about our relationshipship, such as I couldn't spend the night because I usually had something to do the next day. She says that we are best friends and we will always be but I know that is not true. Eventually she will fall out of being friends with me, probably my fault again. I didn't know what I was doing, but nothing I did was superficial and I meant everything I did in love. Everything else was a stupid mistake that I will never make again. Another thing is she write things that contradict what she says to me. Never will she know how much she does it because she doesn't think about it she just does. Always she says that she wants to be alone and single but always she tells me how lonely she is and how she wants to be with someone.

I liked someone else but they didn't like me back so that died out relatively fast. I am just an strange man who people can't seem to like. Maybe I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, who knows? All I know is that I won't be with anyone anytime that I can see so I am going to live it up in all my singleness. Not that there is anyone out there for me anyway.

She tells me that I should get drunk to relax. I can relax just fine without alcohol thank you very much. I don't plan on drinking alcohol at all, and if I do I will drink it in moderation and not get hammered. Getting drunk in America is nothoing compared to how they drink in other countries, but that isn't an arguement to get into now.

Well it is time for me to sign off now, I think I am done with my little rant. I will probably post next week when the "holiday" rolls around.